From Shadows and Secrets

I came out within the church.

It wasn’t easy, but I did. Oh, for those who don’t know I came out as gay.

I got tired of this secret and I had to let someone know who I really was and I was lucky that I found a couple who accepted me and my truth. They were close friends and when I battled between faith and feeling, they were there. Welcoming, no-judgment and safe.

There was no big-stick or penance to be done when I ‘screwed up’. They recognized that it wasn’t easy, but they held my hand. The very first time I approached them, I was down and done. Down because I didn’t think I was a good enough Christian and done with what I was feeling.

Yet, I can tell you deep, deep inside I wanted to be able to be free- to be me. I remember asking myself if what I felt was so natural? Why was it so hard? When I confided in the couple, they told me that they too had a sibling who had estranged themselves from the family because of their sexuality and they hoped that I was going to help them understand this world of same-sex feelings so that they could understand how to support their own. We both got onto this journey. I was frightened and they wanted to learn more. I was extended love and grace, even when I felt like shit, there was love and grace. Something I had a difficult time extending to myself.

On ‘bad days’ I would find myself weeping my eyes out, wanting to don sackcloth and ashes and telling Judas, ‘You have nothing on me, man. I’m gay. I’m the scum of the earth- betrayal is nothing.’ I can joke about it now, but those were dark and difficult days, despite the happy-clappy attitude that matched my Sunday best and mask. I thought I didn’t have a choice but to wear a mask. I wanted to appear normal, with normal problems and struggling with normal people. I remember mentioning that I was struggling- but never sharing the details. I didn’t have the balls to mention that I enjoyed porn as it offered an outlet and in cyberspace I was normal. My kind of love was ok.

For many years, I lived a double life. At one time, I considered dating a rather pretty lady who fancied me, many of my friends were dating or engaged then. I thought I liked her, but there was nothing in my heart for her. We looked good together, but that was it. If there were selfies then, ours would have been ‘lit!’ Then one day I decided that I was not going to take someone else down with my lie for appearances’ sake and I walked away. I chose to wander alone and face the consequences of being a closeted gay Christian.

Really though, who know the ways of the heart? As I started embracing myself and my feelings, I met someone who I had a huge crush on, but I couldn’t act on what I felt. He would walk into the room and I found myself smiling, with my heart racing and feeling happy. Happy and then guilty. I found myself, yet again questioning what I was feeling and why I felt so bad about what was so strongly rooted in the very thread of my fabric. Self-loathing isn’t a good thing, in all of its forms of denial, I needed to fight the devil wearing Puma. It is safe to say that I felt as though I was an almost good Christian. Lovestruck conflicted and scared. I did what I thought best, and ran away but my heart took its time in catching up with me.

For close to four years, I actively lived a double-life. Christian by day, gay man by night or whenever there was no one who knew me. I lived in shadows and with secrets. It was hard work. You have to cover your trails and remember your lies so that the lies are consistent. A dear friend who came out recently told me, ‘I didn’t realize how much effort it took being someone I wasn’t. Coming out made me lighter.’ That double life can be double trouble.

I contemplated suicide, but I was too scared to carry out that thought. I Iooked around and saw people living their full lives, and I asked myself why I couldn’t do that. I chose to live, and face what I believed were ‘my demons’ and face my family, friends, and family with my truth. It was going to be uncomfortable and it was. There were difficult conversations, disappointment on their part, stares and lots of conversations about me without me from people who heard I’d come out, but I did it. I was not the Kevo that they had wanted. I wanted to be the Kevo who I could and can live with. I had to be the Kevo I was. That is the important thing. Friendships were lost, some re-invented, some fallowed and have now re-started anew and some have become stronger. There has been a mixture of tolerance, acceptance, and respect.

I look back and recognize that I had a soft landing compared to some other queer individuals. I know of individuals who have been kicked out of their homes, disowned, assaulted, abused or live in constant fear because they have chosen to come out. Phrases like, ‘I’d rather a dead child than a gay child’ are thrown around so easily. It saddens me that there are too many individuals who have the guts to proceed to kill themselves rather than accept themselves. I know of at least three suicide cases in this year alone. Spaces that should be safe, shun. For a nation that claims to follow religious values, why are we so quick to cast stones?

I recognize that when I chose to come out, I was making my own money and not dependent on my family for any form of tuition fees or upkeep. There are young people who may have to bid their time until they have their National ID, diploma or degree or income before they come out. Until then it will be a life of shadows and secrets. The sad truth is that we live in a country that applauds those shadows and secrets because the truth — one’s truth — is rarely honoured. There are adults, single or married, who because of one reason or another will choose to live in those same shadows and secrets in spite of their sexuality. These could be wives, husbands, siblings or that relative. It is lonely, it may be ‘safe’ and accepted, but it isn’t free. It’s a chained song of a caged bird that can neither sing or fly.

We all have our journeys, choices and coming outs. Some people will choose to remain in the closet for their own personal reasons, others step out and brave whatever storm that comes before the calm, but the calm will come. Better still, why not extend a little more love and grace to help them weather the storm?

“You have to go the way your blood beats. If you don’t live the only life you have, you won’t live a life at all.” James Baldwin.